Hi my loves,
I shared previously how I fell in love with the word awe, the second part of my passion project’s name, Belle-Awe. Today, I want to dive deeper into the details of what happened.
In 2024, my mother’s health quickly declined. I had experienced multiple endings and found myself in a very precarious space. She went into the hospital in April, after avoiding doing so for months, and died May 1st. My life shifted drastically. Grief consumed me. For a month and a half, I was in a liminal space, floating between my life before all these changes started in 2023 and where I found myself approximately a year later in 2024.
I could no longer avoid that I had been sleepwalking through life. Reluctant to take a chance on myself and my desires because of fear. Fear of judgment, failure, and greatness. My mother’s death pushed me to face this truth, pulling back the veil so I could be honest with myself and others. Grief takes you to the most unexpected places. Grief brought me back to life.
With this came action. I began to seek out life. Finding joy, pleasure, and desire in the everyday and the extraordinary. I committed to a mindfulness practice that included journaling, dream analysis, inner work, and yoga. To bring my awareness to the world around me through engaging intimately with my senses, while leaving and creating space for the unexpected.
This wasn’t an overnight transformation. In fact, it’s an ongoing effort. There are days when I do not journal at all. Days when I skip my walks, stay up much too late reading, and take quick showers instead of long, luxurious baths. Sometimes I was consistent and dedicated. I completed a 30-day journal challenge and kept up with my self-care routine for that same length of time. I spent those days deep in meditation, active imagination, and reading every book I could get my hands on about womanism, Black women’s healing, internal family systems, the nervous system, and Jungian philosophy, including Marion Woodman’s The Addiction to Perfection. Other times, I was erratic and just trying to keep up. I avoided reading, writing, and creating, preferring to spend hours playing The Sims.
I called these times, balancing the scale. I would discover a connection or figure out a part of myself, and to integrate that knowledge, I would need time to adjust. To just be.
It was in March when I realized I was feeling dreadfully bored. I desired excitement and joy – a sense of adventure! My previous month’s work identified my perfection and control issues. I sought to control a world that always felt dangerous by making it and myself as perfect as possible. It showed up in my avoidance of conflict, inability to process emotions, lack of self-soothing skills, and most clearly, it revealed itself in my coping mechanisms. The most obvious coping mechanism was using food to self-soothe. So I changed. Food no longer had the appeal that it used to because I was honest with myself that it wouldn’t make me feel better. But what do I do now?
That’s where awe comes in. I needed to find a sense of awe in life again. To lean into the power of surprise and curiosity. What could I learn about life? What did life have to show me? What did I have to give to the world and others? How could I be of service? How do I feel alive again without using unhealthy behaviors like food, going out, or sex?
The answer? Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever have a solid answer, but what I’ve done is pay attention. I pay attention to what catches my eye, what makes me feel calm, the people who fill my cup without hesitation, and the joy I receive from filling theirs. I focused on engaging with my senses and emotions. Then I worked on building emotional integrity and fortitude through somatic practices.
At the end of that commitment, I found wonder and awe. That life was beautiful, a little scary, and sacred.
That I am beautiful, a little scary, and sacred.
With love,
Kamilah Rose
Belle Awe 